I Categorize My Friends and I Have Nervous Habits

Group #1- Oxygen Friends: These are the friends I know and love and could not live without. My friends in this category are NJ, Xeno, Brown, Zeepees, and Cannon. Ironically I've never met these people in real life. I don't even really know these people and yet I need them. I love them. That's bad, isn't it? My "best friend" of five years doesn't fall in this category. Unlike S (my "best friend") I can tell them everything.

Group #2- Medicinal Friends: These are friends I don't need. I could live without them rather easily. They help me a lot, but I don't need them. They know me pretty well but not everything. Bon-Bon, Alex, S., and Danny Phantom fall in this category.

Group #3- Squad Friends: The people I hang with but don't really know well. I hang out with them when I'm with them but other than that I don't talk with them. They know the part of me I don't hide.

Group #4- Acquaintances: Enough said? I'll talk with them. I don't normally want to see them. I lie to them about who I am. Most of my family falls here.

Group #5-  Strangers: Enough said. I may know them, they don't know me. Ironically out of all the groups aside from my "Oxygen Friends" they know the most about me if they observe. How I'm always quiet or fidgeting.

By the way my fidgeting is a nervous habit, I always do it. No matter what, I'm always doing something, normally mouthing words or humming quietly. If I do this when I'm around someone it means I really don't want to lose them.

This is My Bad Habit

I care about everything, way too much. There is literally no one dead or alive I would seriously hurt in any way if I could avoid it. I don't think I even have the physical or mental capabilities to hate anyone but myself. And I'm constantly scared of hurting, holding back, or being a detriment to others. So, I try to distance myself from others. I'm used to being left after a while anyway so it saves me the pain. I hide my emotions; I don't like letting people know how I feel. Especially because I can't stand seeing anyone hurt. So I act like I don't care so I don't get too close or attatched and so I can't hurt them.

You Told Me to Update and You Always Seem to Want to Know My Thoughts

This is for someone who means a lot to me. A thank you of sorts. I've never met you in person, and rarely hear your voice. There are many periods of time we don't even text because of me being to shy or even scared to talk to you, for fear of hurting you or making you hate me. And yet every time I muster up the courage, you're there for me. I've hurt you so much. I've betrayed you. Deceived you. And I never deserved you. But you loved me. And even when I broke you, you forgave me and remained my friend. You still find it in your heart to love me as a friend. You still never leave or hurt me. You've helped me so much. You pick me up when I fall and make me smile through the tears. You never stopped supporting me. When I felt worthless, depressed, full of rage, when I cut, when I wanted nothing more than to die, you were there. To stop me, to soothe me, to make me feel like I was worth something, loved, cared for, and listened to. We've never met in person. I rarely hear your voice. I end up avoiding even messaging you at all at times. I haven't even known you for very long. But here you are. So thank you. For everything. For saying hello when we first met. For talking with me. For being my friend. For staying with me. For putting up with me. For loving me. For helping me. For being there for me. For being you! For everything! Thank you! I don't deserve you and nothing I can say or write or scream can ever convey my gratitude and love for you. I love you. Thank you! And I'm sorry. I'm so so so intensely sorry for everything I've done to hurt you. And I'll do whatever I can to make sure I never do it again. I'll do my best to make you happy. And I'll do whatever I can to be as great of a friend as you are to me. So, I ask you selfishly, stay with me, for as long as we can remain together? Allow me to try to be worthy of you. I'm sorry. I love you. I don't deserve you. Thank you.
Honestly; I could never stop feeling this way about you. So once again, I love you.

P-p-please, don't l-l-leave me. . .
B-b-but, y-you p-p-p-probably sh-should. . .

Rant.

This, is a rant. Deal with it.

   So Ugh. Life is such a vindictive bitch. I see humans every day yet rarely humanity. People almost never mean what they say and yet they never shut the fuck up. Humanity can be beautiful but sometimes I swear  our existence is a huge mistake. War. Genocide. Homicide. Suicide. Sexism. Racism. Prejudice. And religious hate. And that's not even the worst of it all. I understand that conflict is necessary for life but why must it be so constant and dominating? Why is there no end? I see people hurt themselves or others almost every day and it makes me sick! I'm fourteen and have so little faith in humanity. Co-Existence of humans and all other life on earth? Try immense and unavoidable  mutual destruction of life. I feel like humanity could be just like hell.
   Even when it's small problems like idiots not shutting their god damned mouthes or littering. Hell even bad driving can tick me off sometimes. I see all these things and think: I should not be angered by such trivial matters. But I am! Why? Because I'm human and have emotions. I hate emotions sometimes. Love is waiting sadness 98% of the time. Anger? That's a secondary emotion, it's only caused by two other emotions or feelings like neglect and embarrassment. Anger makes people do stupid things that they often regret. I'd never commit suicide or cut myself or even try to hurt anyone if I could help it, not even myself. But sometimes the thought of pain, of death is just so GOD DAMN ENTICING!!!!!
    There are times when I just sit and rock myself traumatized, cry myself to sleep, listen to the silence and wish my heartbeat wasn't there to disturb it, or just break down sobbing feeling as if I shouldn't exist. I know that to some I do have meaning. And I know that I have people who will listen to me without complaint. Hell I know people who encourage me to tell them everything no matter what. But I wish that the mistake of humanity and human lives, especially mine, were never created. And after I've calmed down from my fit? I feel even worse for wanting to die, for taking one step closer to the edge of my sanity, for getting one second closer to brutally killing myself or others at all. I'll hate myself further for laughing at all the suffering in the world. It's a fucked up world and fucked up life. And sometimes the only comfort will be found with a knife.

Ideas Ideas.

So my friend and I were talking about Five Nights at Freddy's (FNAF) and we came up with a game. You need a room with two doors and you'd assign a nightgaurd and animatronics. Nightgaurd stays in the room with a flashlight and can close the doors while the anamatronics try to sneak in. You have to set up your own time needed to 'survive the night shift'

So I'm in Gifted and Talented for reading at school and I mentioned that I was writing more on Wattpad a bit. I ended up explaining what it was and now my G.T. teacher wants me to bring it in and show her. I love my writing but I'm scared to show her... But I'm stuck doing it anyway so as Christenarium says quite often "Balls to it" hopefully I wont be too embarassed.

I have a lot of random ideas. I recently finished a story too. So yay. Ideas ideas. 

Advice I felt like posting.

So... here's a bit of... Advice? Well, whatever: It is never selfish to put your morals before others pleasure. If they were true friends they wouldn't make you choose between them.

Philosophy of mine: What is tommorow if all that is left of today are the tears of yesterday?

Moral of philosophy: Don't live in the past, if you do you'll be stuck in a never ending cycle of pain and regret. Solve problems as they arise and live life like you want to. Don't dwell on regret.

I should stick to America. Or just out of relationships.

I'm really not good with other countries. It never seems to work out when I'm involved in any way. Or maybe that's just relationships in general. It normaly goes great if I´m just giving advice but if I'm personally involved it's doomed.

A friend of mine, S, (she'd be ticked if I used her real name) had an online boyfriend and we 3 had a skype chat. Later that night S thinks her boyfriend likes me more. Ugh. Later on they broke up. He was from Canada. I have nothing against Canada, it just didn't work.

At one point I had S and a guy who liked her get together and that only ended in hatred of the guy and bad memories. He was from our town.

Another internet boyfriend experience. I had a canadian online boyfriend. It went well for a while before he started asking for nudes and I told him to fuck off. Yeah. The truth was unveiled.

This next one is yet another internet boyfriend expierience, this one is more understandable. He is from Scottland. I asked him out and it went well but he figured it would be best to break up. We did, we're still friends. Although later he admits he thought he loved me when in reality he still has feelings for someone he lost years ago. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad. That's really sweet in fact. I just hope he doesn't get hurt.
I choose not to go further on that or into other relationships of mine.
I give advice and help like a boss, if I dont get involved. It's the therapist in me, I swear.