My Life Story With Much Less Detail

I used to be an extremely unreasonably happy person. I didn't have friends and if I did they were temporary or imaginary, but I was happy. The only time I felt sad was usually empathy, though I didn't know it at the time. I lived with 3 brothers, Matt and Shane and Skyler and 1 sister, Krystal. I'm the youngest. My father Dan and my mother Lauri. Now I grew up with no step family. They were family or they were not. So, I knew that Matt and Shane weren't fully related and that Matt and Shane were not related to Krystal and Skyler by blood at all but I didn't fully get what that meant. When I was 8 Matt and Shane had moved out and I only saw them in the summer or during holidays. I also knew that Dan hated Sky and Krys. He would never let them do anything unless it was bringing me out and they always got punished. I was a brat and always got what I wanted but rarely ever got punished. I remember being really mad and depressed when Dan was the reason I saw my sister cry for the first time. When I was 8 or 9 my sister told me Dan wasn't my father. When I was 9 my parents got a divorce. And when I was almost 10 my real father [unbeknownst to me] entered my life. Wold was a good guy and I became friends with him like the majority of my moms friends. On my 10th birthday I bugged my mom about my real father and she told me she would call him, I saw the caller id. Oh well, I got over it and we stayed cool though I started calling him dad along with Wold well as Dan whom switched between the two as well, though I didn't talk to him at this point. I figured out I had 3 more older siblings, Brittany being older than Coty and Star being the youngest. I got to meet and befriend Star and got to text Coty who stopped Star and, unintentionally, me from cutting. I did stop texting him afterward and never got back to doing so as he was busy. When I was 13 I got to meet Brittany and even though we don't know each other well she treats me as a sister. Now at 14, Wold, who said I was his child, got me tested and doesn't pay child support or talk to me. Brittany stood up for me, saying she knew I was her sister and that he knew I was his child. Ironically, as much as I've said, I'm still leaving so much out. But that isn't the point. I think was around 9 I started to change. It was fast but not all at once that I became violent and overall angry. I was never truly happy. I wasn't sad, just pissed. It got worse and worse until I started writing and singing, which I'll talk about later. I hated my life and. Everyone and everything about it. Even at 10 I was bitter but getting better. At 11 I was happy again. I didn't talk to Dan but I had kept my two friends I had made when 9 and had a dad again. And then the drop. I don't know how it happened but Wold stopped talking to me and everything in life that I ever did wrong and all the stress, everything, came crashing down. The bullies, the abandonment, the lack of true joy. I became depressed. And I became depressed and  suicidal. I was never truly happy, it was all a facade. And now at 14? I've cut now and the thoughts have gotten worse. Ever since I was a baby I've had nightmares but I used to be able to cope. Now they're even more lucid and I can still feel everything that happens except now I don't wake up when I get hurt or attacked etc., now I continue dreaming and keep the pain for a while. I am able to be truly happy for brief moments, like with my friends, but generally speaking I want to die. I ran in front of a car today. I didn't get hit and it looked like an accident but I was hoping to get hit. I don't know why I decided to post this but now you know.

I Don't Know Why I'm Writing This When I Don't Want You to Know. . .

Why is it that I have so many issues? I was left by both my fathers, I've been bullied my whole life, gotten into more fights and gotten attacked more times than I can count, I have no friends in real life that I can tell everything to. Why is it I have panic attacks and depression? Why is it that I hate pain but always want to slice my skin open? It's weird, I know some people care but I want to die. Even when I'm talking to people right now, I want to hurt myself. Even when I'm in a conversation I'll have to make sure they can't hear me cry. I hate myself. I shouldn't. But i do. I find myself unworthy of existing. If you were to kill me I would thank you. If you were to slowly torture me, I'd smile and be extremely grateful. I know that some people want me to stop, want me to not harm myself, want me to live. Yet the thought of myself in agony, dying, entices me. I don't want to tell people because I don't want to be stopped. I don't even know why I'm writing this now, because I know they'll see this. I'm actually on a call with them right now, and I muted my microphone, because I started sobbing. I don't even know what to write or type. Nothing I could say could describe how I feel accurately. So, to those who care: I'm sorry. But I can't help it. Shall I be selfish and ask?: Help me? Please? I'm sorry, I have no right to ask. . .  I don't know why I'm writing this, I don't want you to know how I feel. And I said I don't want to be stopped. I guess I'm lying to myself. I'm a damned mystery to myself.

Sticks and stones?

No.

Knives and pens?

No.

Pills and nails?

No.

What than?

My thoughts and Me,

Will be the death of me.

I Am Me. Are You You?

I am Me.

I am the only me.

I am real; the real me.

Who are you?

Are you the only you?

How do you know?

If, perhaps, you are not the only you. . .

Are you the real you?

How do you know?

If, perchance, you are not the real you. . .

Is there a real you at all?

How do you know?

Do you know at all?

Do you exist at all?

How do you know?

Do you know?

Who are you?

And, who am I?

To be talking to you;

Who may or may not exist?

I think therefore I am.

Do you think?

Are you?

How do you know?

Do you know?

Do you really know?

What if you are only a (day)dream?

Do you exist?

Or are you only an echo?

Or maybe a figment of an imagination?

Are you a thing?

Are you real or existant at all?

How do you know?

The one and the only; the real me:

Is Me.

I am.

Are you?

Who or what are you? (If you are at all)

And why are you? (If, in fact, you are)

Do you hold this 'fact' as truth?

As correct?

How do you know? 

Do you know?

How could you know?

You can't.

You don't.

You never will.

You never could.

Motivation!

With every day the sun rises and sets. And with time and it's endless motion life will go on. With or without you. There are many choices in life but I believe the most important choice anyone makes is the choice to be involved with the world and others, the choice to live and not simply exist. No, I may not be very positive and I may be contradicting of myself but I'm me, and I'll never deny that. I'll claim to be awesome,and I'll lie and even say I'm fine. People do that. So long as you leave your heart open, you'll always find a way, a will, a friend. You'll always be loved and you'll never be alone. If you ever feel that way, you can think of me, because even if I don't know you I know you are precious, beautiful, and how much you matter! Even if I don't know you I am and always will be your friend.

This Is Just Pictures From Seven Hours on Photo-Shop

I Categorize My Friends and I Have Nervous Habits

Group #1- Oxygen Friends: These are the friends I know and love and could not live without. My friends in this category are NJ, Xeno, Brown, Zeepees, and Cannon. Ironically I've never met these people in real life. I don't even really know these people and yet I need them. I love them. That's bad, isn't it? My "best friend" of five years doesn't fall in this category. Unlike S (my "best friend") I can tell them everything.

Group #2- Medicinal Friends: These are friends I don't need. I could live without them rather easily. They help me a lot, but I don't need them. They know me pretty well but not everything. Bon-Bon, Alex, S., and Danny Phantom fall in this category.

Group #3- Squad Friends: The people I hang with but don't really know well. I hang out with them when I'm with them but other than that I don't talk with them. They know the part of me I don't hide.

Group #4- Acquaintances: Enough said? I'll talk with them. I don't normally want to see them. I lie to them about who I am. Most of my family falls here.

Group #5-  Strangers: Enough said. I may know them, they don't know me. Ironically out of all the groups aside from my "Oxygen Friends" they know the most about me if they observe. How I'm always quiet or fidgeting.

By the way my fidgeting is a nervous habit, I always do it. No matter what, I'm always doing something, normally mouthing words or humming quietly. If I do this when I'm around someone it means I really don't want to lose them.

This is My Bad Habit

I care about everything, way too much. There is literally no one dead or alive I would seriously hurt in any way if I could avoid it. I don't think I even have the physical or mental capabilities to hate anyone but myself. And I'm constantly scared of hurting, holding back, or being a detriment to others. So, I try to distance myself from others. I'm used to being left after a while anyway so it saves me the pain. I hide my emotions; I don't like letting people know how I feel. Especially because I can't stand seeing anyone hurt. So I act like I don't care so I don't get too close or attatched and so I can't hurt them.