My Life Story With Much Less Detail

I used to be an extremely unreasonably happy person. I didn't have friends and if I did they were temporary or imaginary, but I was happy. The only time I felt sad was usually empathy, though I didn't know it at the time. I lived with 3 brothers, Matt and Shane and Skyler and 1 sister, Krystal. I'm the youngest. My father Dan and my mother Lauri. Now I grew up with no step family. They were family or they were not. So, I knew that Matt and Shane weren't fully related and that Matt and Shane were not related to Krystal and Skyler by blood at all but I didn't fully get what that meant. When I was 8 Matt and Shane had moved out and I only saw them in the summer or during holidays. I also knew that Dan hated Sky and Krys. He would never let them do anything unless it was bringing me out and they always got punished. I was a brat and always got what I wanted but rarely ever got punished. I remember being really mad and depressed when Dan was the reason I saw my sister cry for the first time. When I was 8 or 9 my sister told me Dan wasn't my father. When I was 9 my parents got a divorce. And when I was almost 10 my real father [unbeknownst to me] entered my life. Wold was a good guy and I became friends with him like the majority of my moms friends. On my 10th birthday I bugged my mom about my real father and she told me she would call him, I saw the caller id. Oh well, I got over it and we stayed cool though I started calling him dad along with Wold well as Dan whom switched between the two as well, though I didn't talk to him at this point. I figured out I had 3 more older siblings, Brittany being older than Coty and Star being the youngest. I got to meet and befriend Star and got to text Coty who stopped Star and, unintentionally, me from cutting. I did stop texting him afterward and never got back to doing so as he was busy. When I was 13 I got to meet Brittany and even though we don't know each other well she treats me as a sister. Now at 14, Wold, who said I was his child, got me tested and doesn't pay child support or talk to me. Brittany stood up for me, saying she knew I was her sister and that he knew I was his child. Ironically, as much as I've said, I'm still leaving so much out. But that isn't the point. I think was around 9 I started to change. It was fast but not all at once that I became violent and overall angry. I was never truly happy. I wasn't sad, just pissed. It got worse and worse until I started writing and singing, which I'll talk about later. I hated my life and. Everyone and everything about it. Even at 10 I was bitter but getting better. At 11 I was happy again. I didn't talk to Dan but I had kept my two friends I had made when 9 and had a dad again. And then the drop. I don't know how it happened but Wold stopped talking to me and everything in life that I ever did wrong and all the stress, everything, came crashing down. The bullies, the abandonment, the lack of true joy. I became depressed. And I became depressed and  suicidal. I was never truly happy, it was all a facade. And now at 14? I've cut now and the thoughts have gotten worse. Ever since I was a baby I've had nightmares but I used to be able to cope. Now they're even more lucid and I can still feel everything that happens except now I don't wake up when I get hurt or attacked etc., now I continue dreaming and keep the pain for a while. I am able to be truly happy for brief moments, like with my friends, but generally speaking I want to die. I ran in front of a car today. I didn't get hit and it looked like an accident but I was hoping to get hit. I don't know why I decided to post this but now you know.