CUTE PICTURES

Dammit! I'm Gonna Fuckin' Do This!

There is absolutely no reason for such a title. I'm not really sure why I chose to use it as the title for this post. Maybe because I'm determined to write on this blog more. I'm in summer school right now. So, honestly, I should be doing work. However, I'm really not used to the weird system it's all using so I'm going to start more legitimately working tomorrow, maybe. This post is completely unplanned so unlike any other post: I have no idea where this is going. I thought the picture of the baby panda was cute and motivational so enjoy that picture. I'm kinda insane, huh? OH! Imma give the link to my blog to my friends more now. So yeah. Michael's definitely gonna get a link. And so will Alex and I dunno who else to be honest. Actually, imma just post it on Facebook. 

So . . . Honestly wondering how insane my friend Henry thinks I am right now as he's somewhat reading over my shoulder. Oh well! Honestly It's kinda odd that I'm so happy now. Right now, I think my life is kinda perfect. Or at least perfect to me. Imma make a list of reasons why my life is pretty awesome right now. 

WHY MY LIFE IS AWESOME:

1. I'm dating Michael. A+ Boy ♥★
2. I have more friends (Bonnie, Alexis, Calvin, Jacob, Henry, etc)
3. I'm still close with Niles! Yay!
4. I'm NOT insane
5. My panic attacks are less violent
6. ^ And less often
7. I'm hella less suicidal
8. I'm just HAPPY!!!
9. I honestly just feel like everything is E-P-I-C! 🌟

So YEAH! Feelin' like a badass over here! Listening to The Haunting by Set It Off now (Thanks Alex) [She said "You're welcome" so yay I guess] It's fun watching her whisper sing along. NYO! I AM A FUCKING CUTE AND ADORABLE CHAOTIC KITTEN! FUCKING BOW DOWN TO ME! NYAN! MEOW!
I. . . uh. . . I sincerely apologize for my outburst. Please forgive me.  

Oh, new font, new font. This is very weird. {Verdana}
Trebuchet: AaBbCcDdEeFfGgHhIiJjKkLlMmNnOoPpQqRrSsTtUuVvWwXxYyZz
Courier: AaBbCcDdEeFfGgHhIiJjKkLlMmNnOoPpQqRrSsTtUuVvWwXxYyZz

So. . . um . .  . On a random note! A guy has a crush on me. It's weird. I honestly REALLY don't know how to feel about it. I don't wanna tell everyone who it is because I feel that would be mean but imma call him Syl (Sil?) Anyway! Syl really likes me so I try to avoid talking to him. {BY THE WAY: This person is someone that does not personally know my boyfriend Michael} He's always touching me and hugging me and I get really uncomfortable. He knows I have a boyfriend too. He's a somewhat nice guy but. . . No. I could never date him. IF I were to ever break up with Michael and get a new boyfriend I would autimatically go to Paradox/Alex. NO ONE ELSE. Sure as Hell not Syl. And I'm not planning on breaking up with Michael at all so . . .   IIi
II

ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE YOU ALL AND BYE-BYE! ~ ♥ ★

English is. . .

NOTE: I WROTE THIS FOR A SCHOOL PROJECT SO WHILE IT'S HONEST IT'S SHORT AND POSSIBLY REALLY STUPID

English is a language. In fact English is the most widespread language spoken. English is also an art form.  It’s a tool for communicating ideals and thoughts to others. It’s a precious tool for communication and expression. English can be vast and seemingly endless and at the same time limited and constricting.  While on the outside it can help your outward expression, on the inside it can nearly suffocate you within a  prearranged  mindset., within the proverbial box I should say. English is something to revere, and fear.

Q&A

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: While I love writing, I want to be a therapist so I can help people with their issues
.
Q: What are your views on current political issues?
A: Well, I’ll express my disdain towards police brutality as I am completely against in, and my whole-heated support of legalized gay marriage. I really hate when people are racist or anything like it.

Q: How do you work to better society?
A: I compliment people, try to make them smile. A happy community is the best community.

Q: In your poem you say your name means “'This is gospel for the fallen ones' and 'You haven't seen the best of me yet'” What does it mean?
A: It’s a quote from This is Gospel by Panic! At The Disco, it reminds me of how I strive to be there to help others in their worst times and how when I’m determined I’ll never give up until I win.

Q: How do you relieve stress?
A: Write, scream, and sleep. Not necessarily in that order but I found that as childish as they are they help me chill out.

Q: Do you think yourself as a good person? Why or why not?
A: Yes and no. While in my mind I’m pretty evil, I tend to jump in front of the bullet to help others in reality, even if I don’t like the person at all.

Q: What do you think of school?
A: I think school is a necessity. Too many people lack the basic intelligence to function in life. School is an active way to prevent that in the future.

Q: What piece of music/art/literature relates to you?
A: Once again I’ll go with P! ATD This is Gospel, the meaning behind the lyrics of the song speak to me in so many ways.

Q: What do you think of name meanings?
A: Well I love water and Morgan means born of the sea/sea circle so that’s cool but I don’t believe they hold real meaning

Q: What morals do you believe the world should have more of?
A: Honesty, and Justice. Short and simple!

Perfection or Dreams

Perfection is Fiction. Dreams Can Come True.

If perfection could manifest,

It would change and alter itself, with every encounter.

Some people don’t have a single thought about what they find as perfect,

They just cannot have such thoughts themselves.

Some others know exactly what they would have if perfection were to manifest,

If only perfection could manifest.

Alas it cannot, and I know very well perfection cannot truly exist.

Yet still if perfection cannot manifest, we still know dreams can come true.

So as I cannot form perfection into reality, I dreamt.

I dreamt and I dreamt.

I believe I know well what I dreamt.

I dreamt. . .

A world without conflict 

A world with hope, love, and kindness.

I dreamt of a world filled with laughter.

A world of happiness.

That is the realm of which I dream.

My Life Story With Much Less Detail

I used to be an extremely unreasonably happy person. I didn't have friends and if I did they were temporary or imaginary, but I was happy. The only time I felt sad was usually empathy, though I didn't know it at the time. I lived with 3 brothers, Matt and Shane and Skyler and 1 sister, Krystal. I'm the youngest. My father Dan and my mother Lauri. Now I grew up with no step family. They were family or they were not. So, I knew that Matt and Shane weren't fully related and that Matt and Shane were not related to Krystal and Skyler by blood at all but I didn't fully get what that meant. When I was 8 Matt and Shane had moved out and I only saw them in the summer or during holidays. I also knew that Dan hated Sky and Krys. He would never let them do anything unless it was bringing me out and they always got punished. I was a brat and always got what I wanted but rarely ever got punished. I remember being really mad and depressed when Dan was the reason I saw my sister cry for the first time. When I was 8 or 9 my sister told me Dan wasn't my father. When I was 9 my parents got a divorce. And when I was almost 10 my real father [unbeknownst to me] entered my life. Wold was a good guy and I became friends with him like the majority of my moms friends. On my 10th birthday I bugged my mom about my real father and she told me she would call him, I saw the caller id. Oh well, I got over it and we stayed cool though I started calling him dad along with Wold well as Dan whom switched between the two as well, though I didn't talk to him at this point. I figured out I had 3 more older siblings, Brittany being older than Coty and Star being the youngest. I got to meet and befriend Star and got to text Coty who stopped Star and, unintentionally, me from cutting. I did stop texting him afterward and never got back to doing so as he was busy. When I was 13 I got to meet Brittany and even though we don't know each other well she treats me as a sister. Now at 14, Wold, who said I was his child, got me tested and doesn't pay child support or talk to me. Brittany stood up for me, saying she knew I was her sister and that he knew I was his child. Ironically, as much as I've said, I'm still leaving so much out. But that isn't the point. I think was around 9 I started to change. It was fast but not all at once that I became violent and overall angry. I was never truly happy. I wasn't sad, just pissed. It got worse and worse until I started writing and singing, which I'll talk about later. I hated my life and. Everyone and everything about it. Even at 10 I was bitter but getting better. At 11 I was happy again. I didn't talk to Dan but I had kept my two friends I had made when 9 and had a dad again. And then the drop. I don't know how it happened but Wold stopped talking to me and everything in life that I ever did wrong and all the stress, everything, came crashing down. The bullies, the abandonment, the lack of true joy. I became depressed. And I became depressed and  suicidal. I was never truly happy, it was all a facade. And now at 14? I've cut now and the thoughts have gotten worse. Ever since I was a baby I've had nightmares but I used to be able to cope. Now they're even more lucid and I can still feel everything that happens except now I don't wake up when I get hurt or attacked etc., now I continue dreaming and keep the pain for a while. I am able to be truly happy for brief moments, like with my friends, but generally speaking I want to die. I ran in front of a car today. I didn't get hit and it looked like an accident but I was hoping to get hit. I don't know why I decided to post this but now you know.

I Don't Know Why I'm Writing This When I Don't Want You to Know. . .

Why is it that I have so many issues? I was left by both my fathers, I've been bullied my whole life, gotten into more fights and gotten attacked more times than I can count, I have no friends in real life that I can tell everything to. Why is it I have panic attacks and depression? Why is it that I hate pain but always want to slice my skin open? It's weird, I know some people care but I want to die. Even when I'm talking to people right now, I want to hurt myself. Even when I'm in a conversation I'll have to make sure they can't hear me cry. I hate myself. I shouldn't. But i do. I find myself unworthy of existing. If you were to kill me I would thank you. If you were to slowly torture me, I'd smile and be extremely grateful. I know that some people want me to stop, want me to not harm myself, want me to live. Yet the thought of myself in agony, dying, entices me. I don't want to tell people because I don't want to be stopped. I don't even know why I'm writing this now, because I know they'll see this. I'm actually on a call with them right now, and I muted my microphone, because I started sobbing. I don't even know what to write or type. Nothing I could say could describe how I feel accurately. So, to those who care: I'm sorry. But I can't help it. Shall I be selfish and ask?: Help me? Please? I'm sorry, I have no right to ask. . .  I don't know why I'm writing this, I don't want you to know how I feel. And I said I don't want to be stopped. I guess I'm lying to myself. I'm a damned mystery to myself.

Sticks and stones?

No.

Knives and pens?

No.

Pills and nails?

No.

What than?

My thoughts and Me,

Will be the death of me.

I Am Me. Are You You?

I am Me.

I am the only me.

I am real; the real me.

Who are you?

Are you the only you?

How do you know?

If, perhaps, you are not the only you. . .

Are you the real you?

How do you know?

If, perchance, you are not the real you. . .

Is there a real you at all?

How do you know?

Do you know at all?

Do you exist at all?

How do you know?

Do you know?

Who are you?

And, who am I?

To be talking to you;

Who may or may not exist?

I think therefore I am.

Do you think?

Are you?

How do you know?

Do you know?

Do you really know?

What if you are only a (day)dream?

Do you exist?

Or are you only an echo?

Or maybe a figment of an imagination?

Are you a thing?

Are you real or existant at all?

How do you know?

The one and the only; the real me:

Is Me.

I am.

Are you?

Who or what are you? (If you are at all)

And why are you? (If, in fact, you are)

Do you hold this 'fact' as truth?

As correct?

How do you know? 

Do you know?

How could you know?

You can't.

You don't.

You never will.

You never could.

Motivation!

With every day the sun rises and sets. And with time and it's endless motion life will go on. With or without you. There are many choices in life but I believe the most important choice anyone makes is the choice to be involved with the world and others, the choice to live and not simply exist. No, I may not be very positive and I may be contradicting of myself but I'm me, and I'll never deny that. I'll claim to be awesome,and I'll lie and even say I'm fine. People do that. So long as you leave your heart open, you'll always find a way, a will, a friend. You'll always be loved and you'll never be alone. If you ever feel that way, you can think of me, because even if I don't know you I know you are precious, beautiful, and how much you matter! Even if I don't know you I am and always will be your friend.

This Is Just Pictures From Seven Hours on Photo-Shop

I Categorize My Friends and I Have Nervous Habits

Group #1- Oxygen Friends: These are the friends I know and love and could not live without. My friends in this category are NJ, Xeno, Brown, Zeepees, and Cannon. Ironically I've never met these people in real life. I don't even really know these people and yet I need them. I love them. That's bad, isn't it? My "best friend" of five years doesn't fall in this category. Unlike S (my "best friend") I can tell them everything.

Group #2- Medicinal Friends: These are friends I don't need. I could live without them rather easily. They help me a lot, but I don't need them. They know me pretty well but not everything. Bon-Bon, Alex, S., and Danny Phantom fall in this category.

Group #3- Squad Friends: The people I hang with but don't really know well. I hang out with them when I'm with them but other than that I don't talk with them. They know the part of me I don't hide.

Group #4- Acquaintances: Enough said? I'll talk with them. I don't normally want to see them. I lie to them about who I am. Most of my family falls here.

Group #5-  Strangers: Enough said. I may know them, they don't know me. Ironically out of all the groups aside from my "Oxygen Friends" they know the most about me if they observe. How I'm always quiet or fidgeting.

By the way my fidgeting is a nervous habit, I always do it. No matter what, I'm always doing something, normally mouthing words or humming quietly. If I do this when I'm around someone it means I really don't want to lose them.

This is My Bad Habit

I care about everything, way too much. There is literally no one dead or alive I would seriously hurt in any way if I could avoid it. I don't think I even have the physical or mental capabilities to hate anyone but myself. And I'm constantly scared of hurting, holding back, or being a detriment to others. So, I try to distance myself from others. I'm used to being left after a while anyway so it saves me the pain. I hide my emotions; I don't like letting people know how I feel. Especially because I can't stand seeing anyone hurt. So I act like I don't care so I don't get too close or attatched and so I can't hurt them.

You Told Me to Update and You Always Seem to Want to Know My Thoughts

This is for someone who means a lot to me. A thank you of sorts. I've never met you in person, and rarely hear your voice. There are many periods of time we don't even text because of me being to shy or even scared to talk to you, for fear of hurting you or making you hate me. And yet every time I muster up the courage, you're there for me. I've hurt you so much. I've betrayed you. Deceived you. And I never deserved you. But you loved me. And even when I broke you, you forgave me and remained my friend. You still find it in your heart to love me as a friend. You still never leave or hurt me. You've helped me so much. You pick me up when I fall and make me smile through the tears. You never stopped supporting me. When I felt worthless, depressed, full of rage, when I cut, when I wanted nothing more than to die, you were there. To stop me, to soothe me, to make me feel like I was worth something, loved, cared for, and listened to. We've never met in person. I rarely hear your voice. I end up avoiding even messaging you at all at times. I haven't even known you for very long. But here you are. So thank you. For everything. For saying hello when we first met. For talking with me. For being my friend. For staying with me. For putting up with me. For loving me. For helping me. For being there for me. For being you! For everything! Thank you! I don't deserve you and nothing I can say or write or scream can ever convey my gratitude and love for you. I love you. Thank you! And I'm sorry. I'm so so so intensely sorry for everything I've done to hurt you. And I'll do whatever I can to make sure I never do it again. I'll do my best to make you happy. And I'll do whatever I can to be as great of a friend as you are to me. So, I ask you selfishly, stay with me, for as long as we can remain together? Allow me to try to be worthy of you. I'm sorry. I love you. I don't deserve you. Thank you.
Honestly; I could never stop feeling this way about you. So once again, I love you.

P-p-please, don't l-l-leave me. . .
B-b-but, y-you p-p-p-probably sh-should. . .